Burying the Hatchet
by Aubrianna
Summary: So you're tired of sexy I'mreallyapussycat Draco Malfoy? Sick of butterwouldn'tmeltinhermouth Ginny W? Bored of them constantly burying the hatchet? Want to bury it somewhere else? You are not alone...
1. Thesaurus Abuse

**Pre-story note: I have a ton of important homework and revision to do which means I am procrastinating to the best of my ability! This is not an insult to any of the following; fan-fiction writers, DG shippers, people who enjoy using the thesaurus, Mary-Sue writers (when written well, they can be very enjoyable!), people who enjoy Harry Potter or in fact any other groups who I have failed to mention but I promise I'm not insulting you! If it does seem to follow the particular storyline of another fic this is merely coincidental and I am not doing it on purpose!**

**It is merely for humourous purposes so sit back, relax, maybe giggle a bit, flame me if you must but do not take offence. xx  
**

Disclaimer: the characters do not belong to me, they are J.K.R's. Neither does the plot probably. Ah well.

**Thesaurus Abuse (Part A)**

Ginny Weasley stood alone on platform 9 and whatever. Her entire family were presently elsewhere, who really cares where, and so there was simply no one around to witness the raptures that every male on the platform went into at the sight of the girl.

The youngest Weasley girl was beautiful. Her hair was a menagerie of reddish-crimson-scarlet and she had curves in all the right places since the summer months had seemingly developed her from a scrawny schoolgirl into a sensuous goddess. She had inherited Molly's full, firm bust, Ron's temper, the twins' mischief, Charlie's danger-seeking nature, Bill's coolness and Arthur's bald spot. (Percy who?) But the important thing in that she is **beautiful**.

Ginny flashed her dark chocolate-coffee-russet eyes shyly at the crowd, quite by accident showing off her long lovely lean legs, her boobs and bum all in one fell swoop and then wondering why the old witch in the corner had fainted with shock. (N.B. the author now believes you would like to hear what they have to say on a certain topic, occasionally related to the fanfic but often not, so they will put in a little N.B. just so you know. When actually you would rather set fire to their author's notes along with the remains of their fic which you have a feeling is going to be as painfully harrowing and plotless as the introduction.)

With her highlighted blonde-ruby-auburn hair glinting seductively in the supposed sunshine that England produces Ginny boards the Hogwarts express without further ado, coincidentally flashing her bottom to the slathering hoards of horny young men waiting inconspicuously on the platform.

Her trunk also finds its way onto the train and so does her new pet (which can fight off Voldemort and his henchmen for her), her new best friend called Mary-Sue-Antidisestablishmentarianism, or Elle for short (but we'll get to that in a moment), ex-boyfriends Michael, Dean, Colin and a few made-up names, the train driver, her hair straighteners, her curlers, a moody Harry, a sexy Draco (N.B. **swoon** – we'll be returning to him in a bit once the author can be bothered to attack the thesaurus), a stupid Ron and his bossy girlfriend Hermoninny (who really cares; she's not relevant to the plot) and of course the all-singing all dancing cast of adolescent fantasies.

Elle immediately finds Ginny and (would you know it?) Elle is beautiful too. **Not** as beautiful as Ginny though. That is important to remember. Elle is an American Beauxbatons-born super witch who plays a spot of bridge in her spare time. Her hair is a thick curly-straight reflective browny-silvery-reddy blonde and her and Ginny are bestest best friends despite the fact they've only known each other for all of two minutes. She's joining Hogwarts this year with Ginny. This may or may not be explained but the important thing is that she is **beautiful**. But not as beautiful as Ginny.

Most of the train-ride passes uneventfully with Ginny making no further attempts to think, the author making no attempts to engage her with any other characters except Elle and finally running out of conversation ideas and returning to the faithful task of describing just how toned her body is, how big her boobs are and what tones of violet-crimson-mayonnaise her hair turns in certain lights.

Finally Ginny decides that she needs to get changed and the author decides that 300 words without the mention of Draco is already 300 too many. The Weasley girl finds the elusive changing cabins on the Express (that have yet to make an appearance in the books but they must be on there somewhere) and starts stripping off.

It is at this highly convenient time that Draco happens upon her because he often wanders the train searching for half-naked young women.

The author takes this time to switch for no apparent reason to what Draco's thinking. Occasionally even first-person works, because screw structure and writing style: isn't the reader just dying to hear more overused adjectives describing how toned her body is, how big her boobs are and what tones of violet-crimson-mayonnaise her hair turns in certain lights?

During this little interval while our favourite Slytherin prince trails through the thesaurus of every word that could possibly mean the same as beautiful (striking, gorgeous, stunning, attractive, remarkable, where has she been all my life, dazzling, spectacular, but she's a Weasley, I can't find her attractive, but isn't her hair vivid, extraordinary, amazing, sensational, breathtaking, fantastic, astonishing?)

Dear Ginny on the other hand has been standing motionless, neither undressing nor redressing, paused between modest and raunchy. She simply hasn't noticed Draco because it's difficult for her to undress, pause picturesquely and notice a great hulking Slythering in her room all the same time. Poor Ginny.

When she finally does notice her companion, she gasps in shock and covers herself up. The author decides that this is just too much action for any one point and so decides that Draco deserves his long-overdue overdone description which is happily undertaken:

Draco Malfoy slouched against the door in all his dangerous glory. His blonde-fair-light hair was neatly shaped and Ginny found his silvery-bluey-cerulean (N.B. **swoon**. Author doesn't know what cerulean means. But she thinks that other people might think she is a good writer because of it) eyes boring into hers. His robe hung open a little revealing a tight black jumper that fitted his every muscle and left very-little to the imagination ('cause let's face it Ginny has little else in her imagination at this point in time) and he is **sexy**. Also he is looking at Ginny like she is lunch. But don't all young men do that to young women who they've openly hated all their lives?

Ginny's face heats up in both embarrassment, anger and desire but Draco doesn't recognise the emotions, merely that now her hair, face and ears create a perfect harmony of cherry-red stunning beauty.

Draco leaves after a few parting shots about her family (originality? Moi?) and goes back to his cabin to, ahem, get some desires of his own out of his system. (N.B. **swoon**).

Ginny races back to Elle and tells her everything that has happened and how she hates Draco Malfoy but only because he is so hot. She assures Elle that all will be ok because Draco might have a friend who she can have. But he won't be as good-looking as Draco. Obviously.

**Next time: The Hogwarts Arrival, we meet Ron, Hermione and Harry, and Draco and Ginny start a well-known war.**


	2. Crucification of the English Language

Disclaimer: I own nothing - you know the drill.

The Crucification of the English Language

They arrive at Hogwarts in a blaze of darkness. Reader please note that this is the only time when it will be night-time in fic-world since it is sucking precious paragraphs that could be wasted on the way the sunlight shines on Ginny's multi-coloured, multi-tonal highlights (that are **so** natural), or Draco's immaculate sexiness.

However, we shall have to make do.

The darkness highlighted Ginny's fiery red hair making it stand out like a halo around her head. We shall conveniently ignore the fact that this would make her look like the devil possessed and move onto Draco.

He sloped off the train with the traditional entourage of females hanging on his every smirk. Pansy is there also and she is ANNOYING. The fact that Draco has been shagging her senseless for the past god-knows-how-long is also conveniently overlooked and since Pansy is ANNOYING she does not get a description, merely the aforementioned adjective.

Skip ugly, hairy Hagrid and the magic coach trip because now, without further ado, the Sorting will take place.

The Hat sings a song;

_Blah blah blah Hogwarts,_

_Blah blah blah blah,_

_Blah blah blah Hufflepuff,_

_Blah blah blah blah,_

_Blah blah blah Ravenclaw,_

_Blah blah blah blah,_

_Gryffindor is the best,_

_Better than the rest,_

_Slytherin is cool,_

_Too cool to be in school._

And now, having wowed the readers with her poetic inspiration the author quickly speeds through the various first years dropping a few Tiffany's, Tracy's and Melissa's around to demonstrate that she is HAS thought about their names.

Finally McGonagall (yes, because she **is** there too) calls out "Antidisestablishmentarianism, Mary-Sue" and Elle wanders over to the hat.

She promptly throws a tantrum because the hat clashes with her knickers, McGonagall didn't pronounce her name correctly ("Mar_IE_ – Sooooo"), the fit guy on the Ravenclaw table isn't eyeing up her skirt like he's supposed to and the author hasn't made ONE reference to her hair tints this chapter.

After a quick colour-changing spell done with a little wandless magic on Ginny's part and a few allusions to how Elle's hair has a curious ability to flash through blonde, red and black depending on what lights she's viewed in, the hat goes on her head.

Despite the fact that Elle seems to have the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the loyalty of a Hufflepuff, the ambition of a Slytherin and the bravery of a Gryffindor the hat decides that she should go in "GRYFFINDOR!" (N.B. Author thinks that _she_ would be in Gryffindor too. Because Daniel Radcliffe is sooo fit. Also for the reader's information this is the biggest reference to character expansion that Elle will have throughout the rest of this harrowing story so let her bask in its glory for a short while)

Ginny of course is overjoyed but never doubted it for a second and welcomes Elle to her seat. Ron promptly blushes because he's STUPID and Harry stares at Elle for awhile because he's MOODY. Hermoninny welcomes Elle because she's BOSSY, and that's all we really need to know about them for the time being.

Dumbledore stands up. He is OLD. He starts his ramble; "Ramble, ramble, ramble, Voldemort, ramble ramble, Harry Potter, ramble, rambling rambler rambles." He then looks straight at Ginny and says "And Ginny Weasley did so well on her OWLs last year that she is being moved up the seventh year and will take all advanced classes, including advanced Potions because Severus has decided that actually, despite her family, looks and inability to boil a potion, she is actually his best student ever. Next to Draco Malfoy. But only just." Coincidentally this means that Ginny will be in ALL Draco's classes – imagine that!

The whole hall claps and Ron smiles at Ginny. But he is still STUPID. Hermoninny looks jealous because she likes to boss people around. Ginny catches Draco's eye and he winks at her because suddenly the fact that she is clever (despite not being able to string a coherent sentence together as of yet) means she is BEAUTIFUL. Ginny glares at him because obviously this blatant flirting is some kind of insult to her family.

Elle is also in seventh year because Ginny is. That is all the reason we need.

Finally the feast is over and the house elves have finally managed to cart all of Ginny's shoes and hair straightening equipment to her dorm room. Ginny and Elle leave the hall, Ginny's hair flashing fiery-scarlet-red in the candlelight and Elle's hair doing a quick tap-dance through blonde to black.

Draco watches them go, wondering where Ginny has been all his life/adolescence/fantasies/Hogwarts years. Suddenly he realises that he has been MEAN to her in the past and regrets every mean thing ever said. Since this is dangerously bordering on character development and plot development, the Author sends him back to the safe territory of wondering how her hair got so red and her boobs so big.

Mysteriously a really good-looking boy, with good-looking hair, eyes and muscles stands next to Draco. This may or may not be Blaise Zambini (his surname often has an annoying habit of misspelling itself) but regardless of their name they are also sexy. But NOT as sexy as Draco.

Conveniently he is also looking for a girlfriend, but he only wants one whose hair can flash every colour of the rainbow at a moment's notice. This means that Elle is his soul-mate. But he knows that she is so good, pure, clever, kind, loving, intelligent, loyal, friendly, interesting and soft-spoken (despite the fact that she's barely strung two sentences together at all. In fact all she's done is throw a tantrum so far) that she would NEVER be interested in him. Actually she must hate him.

So now he loves her and must win her over. Then they will be Hogwarts second cutest, sexiest, hottest couple. After Ginny and Draco of course.

Now Draco and Blaise head to bed as well because the rest of the school is too busy being ignored, the teachers are off for a game of strip poker, Ginny, Elle and their two mostly-pretty roommates Catrinalyiannaeisa and Theryllusingthesde (or Cat and Thez) are fast asleep and the vast-majority of readers have long since committed suicide in a vain hope to escape the hopeless drivel that has been written so far (N.B. the Author sends her condolences but hopes that you'll review anyway, because "lik im such a todally gd writer and -pointless giggle- such lik a review slutt")

**In the distance, English Novelists begin to spin slowly in their graves as the Author decides to continue crucifying the English language for the next chapter…**


	3. Problems in Plotland

Disclaimer: You know what I'm saying - nothing is mine!

**Problems in Plotland – Part A: _In which the story is laid bare_**

The day dawned bright and clear. It was not raining and neither will it rain unless something goes terribly wrong with the characters and the story and we are forced to talk about the weather for longer than we should.

Ginny woke up and put on some muggle clothing because, despite the fact that wizards wear robes and Hogwarts witches and wizards have school uniform, we have decided to screw mercilessly with canon and the plot and their first day of school is, in fact, a Sunday. The muggle clothing she decided to put on, however, deserves a whole paragraph of its own.

It was black, because that signifies her new attitude and, whatever way it's cut, it displays ample amounts of cleavage and leg. So much in fact that the mirror shatters on first sight. Ginny lazily _reparo's_ it with a little wandless magic. Ginny surveys herself in the newly-stuck-together mirror and marvels at how much she has changed. She has curves worthy of the Silverstone grand prix track, eyes deeper than a vacuum and lips the colour of rubies. Her freckles are seductive but adorable on their off-days and her hair falls in gentle waves to the small of her back curled in such a way that it looks natural despite the fact that you can barely move in the dormitory without falling over some curling tongs. Obviously she wakes up this way; not a hair out of place and more attitude than a rutting stallion. The mirror shatters a second time but this time in an appeal to Ginny to extract herself from the self-absorbed stupor she is in.

Elle wakes up next, trips over a pair of stilettos and promptly knock herself out on the doorpost, narrowly avoiding being impaled by some straighteners. Ginny laughs and her laugh is like the tinkle of heavenly wind chimes. She wakes and heals Elle with another hand wave of wandless magic (seeing a pattern?) and without further ado they set off for breakfast leaving poor Thez and Cat to brave the aggressive room of electrical beauty on their own.

In the common room the two friends meet Harry, Ron and Hermoninny. Harry's mouth drops open in a moody but appreciative way, Ron goes stupidly red, Hermoninny blends into the wallpaper and the Author discovers direct speech (batter down the hatches);

"How can you wear such an outfit! You're a disgrace to the Weasley name! I don't know what's got into you this year Ginny! You're so different!" Ron shouts, making even himself cringe at the copious use of exclamation marks.

"You're stupid," Ginny observes, beginning to get angry.

"Yes, I am stupid! You can't go out like that! You look like a slut!"

"I am a slut," his sister screeched back her face going the same colour as her hair (Author congratulates herself on her originality). "And I think Draco Malfoy fancies me. So there." (N.B. Damn, did I just give away the plotline?)

Ron spits a few nails. Ginny stalks off with her overfull ego trundling behind. Harry scowls. Hermoninny gauges that it might be safe to reappear from being part of the wallpaper. Harry scowls some more.

"What are you scowling at? Harry!" Ron asks, beginning to wish the Author would quit giving him direct speech or at very least leave the exclamation mark button alone.

"You're sister's hot," Harry remarked grouchily.

"Well I'd let her be with you! It's the rest of Hogwarts who shouldn't be able to see her like that!" (N.B. Author hopes that readers will not detect her blatant screwing of Ron's tune, character and motivation. But Rupert Grint is soooo cute. **Swoon**)

"Do you have to sound so upbeat the whole time?"

* * *

Ginny flounces into the hall with Elle right behind her, trying not to be crushed by the redhead's virulent attitude problems.

Draco watches her walk in and manages to complete various comparisons of her to fiery angels and seductive sprites before she's so much as sniffed at the croissants. Without warning the Author will now cut to his inner monologue;

_How can I possibly like her? She's everything I've been taught to hate. But she's just so beautiful and pure. And great in the sack no doubt. I wonder what my father would say? Oh no I forgot. He beats me. Oh crap, that was meant to be a dramatic part of character development later on. I will stop thinking now._

True to his word, he does. The Author, however, will not stop writing.

Meanwhile, Elle is feeling that little bit left out since all she has completed so far this chapter is being sent unconscious by a pair of stilettos. She decides this is the time to assert her big diva-attitude. But not as big as Ginny's.

"I want to be a part of Gryffindor quidditch team," she announces, loudly.

"Can't," grunts Seamus (because he's cute. And Scottish) "Team's full."

"It's not," corrected Elle. "There are two Chaser positions open for me and Ginny."

"Seamus and I are two of the Chasers," Dean told her.

Deftly, both characters are hereby swallowed by a giant plot hole (they're not **that** cute).

"Of course you can be on the Gryffindor quidditch team," said Neville, surprised at his sudden entrance into the dialogue. "The tryouts are on Saturday."

"Good," Elle is satisfied with the way things are and her hair calms from a rapid flicking through blonde and brown to a more conservative auburn.

Feeling somewhat confident, Neville decides to make conversation. "Did you know that Dean and Seamus just got sucked into fanfiction oblivion?"

He is rather less surprised to find himself quickly ejected from the direct dialogue.

Elle and Ginny look at each other. The Author is bored of direct speech: there's too much punctuation to remember.

_Did you know I'm psychic?_ Elle sends to Ginny.

_Yes, me too_ came the reply.

They stare at each other in wonder and, despite the fact that Ginny is more psychic than Elle, they feel at peace with the world. Pity that that can't be said about the readers.

And now, except for that pesky little plotless problem, this fic is practically flawless. The Author thanks you graciously for sticking around for yet another dose of force-fed fanfiction and assures you that yes; it is all her own work (you wouldn't have guessed?).

**Next chapter: Blaise and Draco plot, Ginny and Elle tryout, Ginny's kick-ass pet makes an appearance and Ron exclaims some more.**

**Real Author's note: I can't believe people are actually reading this! It's crazy. If you are in any way insulted read the note I've posted on my profile (and sorry). Hope you enjoyed this recent application to lala land for a license because it really is quite fun to write ) **


	4. Problems in Plotland B

Disclaimer: I own nothing.**  
**

**Problems in Plotland Part B – _In which there are ridiculously long and complicated titles_**

Ginny and Elle strode confidently onto the Quidditch pitch to the sound of the synchronised dropping of jaws. They were (drumroll) stunning.

Even dressed in modest Quidditch robes they were hot stuff. Ginny held a Cleansweep7 broom which, although old, she was able to fly like a dragon on steroids. Elle had a brand new Firewall ISP (N.B. Don't you just love all those creative brand names?) that meant she would be almost – but not quite – as fast as Ginny.

The two girls waited with voluptuous sensitivity as the surrounding males slowly scraped their jaws off the Quidditch pitch.

_Do you think they noticed us?_ Ginny sent to Elle giving the boys a cheeky grin just to be safe.

There was a new round of jaw dropping and Elle rolled her eyes. _Do you have to keep doing that?_

Ginny scowled. Yet still managed to look like Merlin's gift to men despite that.

While the boys yet again set about retrieving their jaws, the girls took to the air looking very much like they'd been born on brooms themselves. Ginny's dragon-on-steroids Cleansweep shot through the air like a veritable arrow and Elle's Firewall careered away at a (you guessed it) slightly lower speed.

Harry threw the quaffle up to them, sending a deliciously piercing glare in Ginny's direction to remind the readers that, despite jaw misplacement, he was still moody.

Ron hovered stupidly in front of the hoops giving Ginny glares that demonstrated he was still irritated after her little skin-flashing display.

Draco sat, smouldering, in the stands a little out of view of everyone else's view although how this is possible it is uncertain since the Quidditch seats are, in fact, in an oval. He watched Ginny carefully because, obviously, the fact that she was clever and beautiful means that she is also a Quidditch prodigy.

Not wanting to disappoint the two girls shot off neck and neck, blowing the rest of the competition away merely by the way that their hair streamed red, brown, black and blonde in the turbulent wind. A few quick manoeuvres, a flip over each other's brooms, a flash of Ginny's bra, Elle's polishing of the quaffle, her broom alerting her to the 'Error 404: page not found' and some rapid hair conditioning later and the red ball had gone through the back of the hoop.

Draco couldn't believe his eyes. The last time he'd seen flying that good was when the quaffle had had a bee on it in the second year! How had he not noticed Ginny before? She was beautiful, talented and clever and he wanted her. And Malfoys always get what they want (N.B. Author has seen this in enough fics to believe that it is required of Draco's thought process.)

Ron forgave Ginny instantly. She was obviously too talented for him to stay mad at and, after all, she _was_ his little sister. But this sudden pacification of his personality does not mean that he will not blow up again the second Ginny mentions 'boys, 'dating' and 'mini skirt' in the same sentences again.

"You're in," says Harry, announcing the obvious.

"Yes! Wasn't she great!" cried Ron.

"Put a sock in it," growled Harry, doing his best Lupin-on-a-full-moon impression.

* * *

"She's so beautiful," Draco sighed loudly, gazing starry-eyed at the ceiling. 

"I know," agreed Blaise. "And so is her friend."

"How will we get them to notice us?" the Slytherin Prince asked, lazily throwing jellybeans at a terrified first year.

"I know!" Blaise exclaimed as the idea came to him. "Let's play a prank on them!"

"Then they'll prank us back?" Draco asked, somewhat thickly (but very sexily, the Author quickly adds).

"Exactly," replied his friend meaningfully. "And somewhere along the way they _must_ fall in love with us. 'Cause that's how things go."

Draco nodded in agreement, and so the deal was sealed.

The blonde sat in his quarters alone that evening, because it was well known that he had his own room and bathroom because he was Head Boy. Ideal living quarters; and more than enough space for another person to share his bed/shower, namely there was a Ginny-shaped sleeping space on his mattress. Blaise also had his own quarters the reasons for this are unclear but the implications are not. Of course it wasn't as big as Draco's.

Draco really wasn't as bad as everyone made out; in fact at heart, he was just a big old softie who wouldn't take candy from a baby. Mainly because he could buy his own which would be bigger, better and considerably more expensive. But the side he showed at school was his macho-potions-loving-Slytherinesque side, one that was often miscontrued as 'nasty'.

At a young age his father had started beating him but shush, it's a secret. This is why he was so mean throughout Hogwarts. He didn't know how to make it up to Ginny for being so horrible. Maybe he should write her poetry…? He just knew that he wanted to repent for everything he had done and join the Order of the Phoenix when he was older, even though he won't admit that to anyone.

His father would be a threat now but, when he and Ginny are together, the chances of him meeting an early death or being swallowed to plot monsters is relatively high. Which means that then Draco will be **rich**, sexy and smart. (N.B. all the most important qualities)

Well the Author has tired herself from some – in her eyes – intense character development, and thinks it may be time to stop antagonising all those readers out there who can actually **write** proper English. So for these reasons we shall leave our dear, sexy, schizophrenic Draco behind.

Despite the fact Hermoninny has presently dropped off the Marauders Map we may just find her next chapter (in the library) where Ginny, Elle and the Author may take pity on her and give her a makeover… all for the sake of plot development of course. Also, the first potions class is yet to come; will Draco meet his match? (N.B. the Author has new socks on) Tune in for the next installation of fan-I-can't-write-for-toffee fiction.


	5. Clichéd Classes and Predictable Potions

Disclaimer: I own nothing, you know how it is.

**Clichéd Classes and Predictable Potions**

Ginny and Elle found Hermoninny in the very corner of the library which was lucky because if she'd been in the very middle everyone would've been able to see what they were doing.

"Alright 'Moninny?" Ginny asked sitting down opposite.

Hermoninny looked at her through narrowed eyes. "If you're going to 'make me over', then you can at least say my name right," she said before impulsively adding "Perth is the capital of Australia."

"Sorry Herminey," Ginny said. "Do you have to quote random facts at the ends of your sentences?"

"It's because she's _clever,_" Elle responded, marvelling at the depth of character development Herminey got. She was BOSSY **and**_ clever_.

Herminey winced at the repetitive misspelling of her name but was content that orally it sounded… mostly correct.

"We were just wondering if you were feeling discontent with your life?" Ginny said, scooping shimmering-scarlet curls over her shoulder. "Y'know the whole bushy-haired, buck-toothed, flat-chested thing you've got going on?"

Herminey spent a hallowed 20 seconds sincerely hoping that one of the Arithmancy books in front of her would open up and eat her to save her from the plot cliché it looked like she was going to be sucked into. When nothing happened she looked back at Ginny. "Actually, I'm quite happy the way I am," she replied, hopefully. "Earth is the third planet from the sun."

"Nonsense," said Elle. "Although you are BOSSY and _clever_ that means nothing in a cruel fanfiction world. We want to help you."

Herminey looked from Elle's inexplicably curly-straight hair to Ginny's sparkling locks and sighed heavily, already feeling the dreaded plot vacuum and airheaded!Herminey raising her perfectly preened head. "Do your magic," she finally said. "71 per cent of the Earth's surface is water."

"That'll be the first thing we'll be working on."

* * *

Ginny was walking to her first Advanced Potions lesson later that day when she spotted her new pet (the one who can fight off all Voldemort's henchmen for her while still giving her a manicure), Schnookums. Schnookums the sabre-tooth tiger. 

Schnookums wasn't like any sabre-tooth tiger though, she was mostly small, really fluffy and she coordinated with all Ginny's accessories. She had the dearest nature unless of course Ginny was in trouble; then she turned into a fire-breathing dragon (not to be muddled up with Ginny's **broom** which only flies like a dragon-on-steroids, doesn't **act** like one). Charlie had bought her back from Egypt (or was that Bill?) and Ginny had kept her as a pet ever since. It only bothered Crookshanks that there was a whopping great sabre-tooth tiger prowling around, but that's ok because she was _really_ fluffy.

Schnookums purred as she wound around Ginny's robes looking up at her adorably. Ginny laughed; cue heavenly wind chimes.

Whilst all this had been going on, time had been ticking and suddenly Ginny realise she was LATE for Potions. Bidding goodbye to the sabre-tooth she set off at a run for Potions.

"You're late, Miss Weasley," Professor Snape sneered as she entered. "Detention; and 10 points from Gryffindor."

"Sorry, sir," she replied, ploughing him with her best I'm-a-goddess-don't-be-angry-at-me-look (not to be confused with her _angry_ glare which can melt a house elf at 30 paces). Snape softened immediately, giving her a smile; because really, he's just as misunderstood as Draco - actually a little pussycat at heart.

"That's ok, Draco has detention too," Snape replied once she'd sat down.

"I do?" exclaimed Draco. "What for?"

"Oh," the Potions Master looked at him thoughtfully. "For being to class on time and being my favourite student."

The Slytherin seventh year looked understanding. "Sorry about that sir."

"So you two have detention together tonight in an abandoned classroom somewhere in the depths of the castle where you won't be interrupted. I hope you've learnt your lesson."

_Oh no, _thought Ginny. _Not detention with Dr- Malfoy, how will I ever cope?_

_How will you come out with your virginity intact? _Elle replied dryly.

Snape wasn't finished yet though. "Since this is your final year, I am putting you all in pairs for your final project. This also means that you'll have to work on it in your own time," his glance quickly took in Ginny and Draco.

"You and you, you and you, Potter and Thez, Elle and Zambini, Granger and Weasley boy and Malfoy and Weasley girl. The rest of you can go and find the nearest plot hole.

Everybody groaned except for the ones who escaped the fanfiction hell.

_I didn't even know Ron, Herminey and Harry **did **__advanced potions. Or Thez for that matter. _Ginny told Elle.

_Well they do now, _came the reply. _And we'll be learning more about Thez next chapter, _she added wisely.

_What, you can see the future now?_

_Damn that's not my trait._

Ginny suddenly found Draco next to her elbow.

"Weasel," he acknowledged

"Ferret."

Despite thinking of him as sex-on-legs, Ginny suddenly found herself getting very angry for no reason.

"Why are you always so horrible to me?" she snapped under her breath.

Draco also found himself getting very uptight and despite being in-love with her he couldn't find a single nice thing to say.

"Why are your family always so poor?" he mocked.

"Prat."

"Harry Potter will never love you, you know. You're going to be sad and single forever."

And, despite being incredibly clever, remarkably beautiful, talented on a broomstick and having hidden abilities to melt house-elves, Ginny believed him, blinking back tears.

"I don't love Harry anymore," she choked out. Draco went silent, hope filling him. Maybe she loved him instead? "But it's not like anyone would ever go out with you, even if you were the last person on earth."

His hopes were dashed. For the time being.

His cutting reply was interrupted, quite rudely, by Professor Snape. "Malfoy and Weasley, that's a week added onto your detention. You may be my favourite students but rest assured that I will treat you the same as everybody else."

The boy to Ginny's right whispered to his partner.

"You!" Snape snarled. "Death penalty!"

**Next chapter: we learn some more about Thez and Draco and Ginny serve their detention. Herminey also gets to reap the benefits of her make-over.**


	6. Foreseen Detention and Disasters

Disclaimer: I own nothing! I just enjoy playing…

**Foreseen Detentions and Disasters **

Thez had been hiding a deep dark secret for the six years that we have not known her. As she is mostly pretty, she gets a hair colour; dark-reflective-chocolate brown, but nothing further.

Her full name; Theryllusingthesde, was a direct translation of 'the-main-plot-twist' in an ancient wizarding language and "Mary-Sue-the-Second" in an even more ancient one.

However, since she is only the second Mary-Sue character, she is not as clever and beautiful as Elle and can't wave a stick at Ginny, yet she is still mostly pretty and mostly smart and therefore must languish in her mediocrity.

Nevertheless, her deep, dark secret was suitably deep and unimaginably dark and, although the Author knows what it is, the reader won't find out for at least another three paragraphs.

Anyway, all of this aside, Thez was, most importantly, Harry Potter's Potions partner which pre-empts any kind of possible matchmaking that will go on throughout the rest of the fic.

As Harry sat next to Thez he began to notice her long, luxurious hair and thought that actually, now he thought about it, she was rather pretty. Not as beautiful as Ginny who would be his first choice of course, and he might still fight Draco for her later on in the fic just for the sake of it, but as a back-up she was pretty good. Also, he could tell she was hiding a dark and dangerous secret, and danger was one of his favourite things.

Thez, on the other hand, didn't like Harry. Not one bit. But this only means that, as a variation, there'll be a love-hate relationship rather than the soppy one that Draco and Ginny will end up in. (N.B. Author congratulates herself on her originality. Again.) However, she did think he was rather yummy, especially the whole 'moody' outlook, which would work in his favour because, unlike Ron and Draco, he was not going to suddenly develop a 'tender' personality alongside his public one. No, Harry was moody all the way through.

Coincidentally, in Potions today they were making love potions because Snape had had a sudden change of heart and decided that love potions would be a great idea: so many things that could go wrong!

As a shortcut – shave off a few chapters – one of the main ingredients is going to be **Veritaserum**. Everyone finished making the potion quite successfully; they were in Advanced Potions after all, except that (somehow) Harry and Thez's potion spontaneously becomes a gas.

The effects include the following;

Draco starts spouting poetry to Ginny, Snape confesses a lifelong fear of marshmallows, Thez tells Harry her last name is Moldevort (because, unless they get the dark secret out of the way, they'll never fall in love) and Harry faints.

All the other students in the class are occupied by being ignored, but rest assured that there are various effects that may or may not be reported later on.

As a result; Snape storms out of the classroom which loses it's usual dramatic effect since he is whimpering about being chased by giant marshmallows (comes from working with drugs on a daily basis), Draco has been cast under a _Silencio_ charm by Ginny (wandless magic) as he desperately searches for a word to rhyme with 'purple' (only coming up with 'turtle', which isn't particularly romantic) and Harry comes to, before remembering what Thez has told him and running out of the classroom following Snape.

Thez runs after him, dreadfully worried that he will tell her secret to the next person he meets. Since this is Schnookums the sabre-tooth she needn't be very worried because Schnookums is on a mission to save Ginny from the dreadful-poetry-spouting Draco. As she runs, Thez's hair glints various shades of chocolate brown that are becoming increasingly seductive, she finally catches up with Harry in a conveniently abandoned classroom (N.B. there are so many of those at Hogwarts these days?).

"Harry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to hear that! I never meant to tell anyone. And I managed it quite successfully until this really annoying fanfiction writer came along…"

"I can't believe this!" Harry exclaimed, yet still managing to maintain his moody persona. "You're so obviously trying to sell me out to Voldemort. What are you, like his daughter?"

"Yes," replied Thez. "Long story, including rape, murder, torture and lack of birth control, but yes, I am his daughter!" she exclaimed dramatically. "But I'm not a bad person."

"Of course not," agreed Harry, having a quick personality implant. "And your hair is a very lovely tone of chocolate brown. Your secret is safe with me."

"Oh, thank you Harry. You know I've decided that maybe I don't hate you so much anymore. Maybe a little bit… just for the hell of it. I might change as I feel like it."

Harry nodded sagely. "I understand. Now you're going to tell me everything you know that will help me defeat Voldemort."

"He's my _father_!" Thez exclaimed indignantly; cue toss of the chocolate brown hair.

"Oh. Sorry," Harry replied dumbly, but with a moody edge. "Next chapter then?"

"Yeah, alright."

* * *

Ginny and Draco's detention took place in an empty abandoned classroom where their task was not entirely certain but was evidently not particularly vital for the running of the school since the reader can be assured that very little actual 'detention' will be completed. (N.B. –pointless giggle-)

So the filing/cleaning/organising/alphabetising/impregnation took place at 8 o'clock on the third floor in the second room on the third left after the ninth statue but before the sixteenth wall-hanging; know where we are now? Well, that classroom (no wonder it's abandoned).

"I can't believe Snape gave me detention," Draco complained.

"Well, you did, quite rudely, turn up on time _and_ do the homework," Ginny told him coldly.

"No-one was asking you, weasel," Draco spat. He had a bit of a spitting problem actually, but covered it up well with malice.

There was silence. "We're the only two in the room, _Malfoy_," the Gryffindor replied haughtily, flicking scarlet locks over her shoulders.

Draco sneered, having reverted to his more preferred 'sexily-evil' personality that was guaranteed to have the nearest fan-girl swooning, although his 'tenderly-vulnerable' personality will emerge, possibly all in one paragraph, as time progresses.

"Y'know, spending two hours in the same room as you is punishment enough," Draco informed her, admiring the way that her eyes glinted chocolate-cognac-bronze in the firelight and suddenly noticing a whole new feature to her face: her lips. (Author quickly digs out the thesaurus and looks up 'soft')

"Likewise," Ginny glowered, suddenly finding an insatiable desire within herself to rip off all his clothes. Icy-silver-disdainful eyes bored into hers and Ginny felt herself falling… into the gaping cliché, pulling the hapless readers with her, who have not only predicted this since the first adjective laden sentence but almost knew the _exact_ way in which it would come about.

Draco felt an irresistible pull towards and before they knew it, he had her backed against the classroom wall…

**Author congratulates the reader in having made it this far without being committed to the nearest nuthouse. She thinks more reviews are in order since her "plot is lik todally orignl n im sch a writtin prodgy tht won dey ill b pblishd lol, so lik u gotta rview plzzzzzz".**

**Real A/N: You're all crazy! Crazy I tell you! What are you all still reading it for! Anyway, it's pretty fun, so I'll continue. Thinking of making a forum for all the clichés you get out there in plots? Could be kind of interesting; if I finish this one, I might write some more for different ships. Any ideas/requests?**


	7. Ouch

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ouch

"Ouch," Ginny exclaimed matter-of-factly

"What?" Draco asked, slightly bewildered

"You've backed me into the doorknob you moron," she replied giving him the evil eye. Given Draco's strong constitution however, he didn't melt into a house elf-sized puddle.

The moment had passed and Draco was suddenly seized with the 'tortured soul malady' which consisted of his inner conscience screaming 'Why!' whilst a vigorous orchestra of violins screeched in the background.

Ginny's was somewhat less subtle. "Oh my god, I can't believe I nearly kissed you. Oh my god that was just like _so_ wrong. Oh my god why am I talking like this!" Ginny paced up and down the room nearing hysteria.

Draco watched her thoughtfully and Ginny looked at him through scarlet curls.

"What are you thinking about?" she demanded. "Are you thinking about how you want to spend the rest of your life with me, or how clever and talented I am, or how frustratingly close you came to kissing me, or how you want to grow old and have hundreds of children with me?"

"You have really big boobs…"

* * *

The next day was Thuesday; a confusing mix of Tuesday and Thursday, but let's face it, who cares what day it is: all the readers are only in it for in the kissing. Right? (Fanfiction writer quickly double-checks her priorities)

Harry awoke early. Probably from a soul-wrenching nightmare including Voldemort and all those bad people, but that would include some degree of actually paying attention on the writer's part to what was in the books and not what it would be like to see Draco naked. So he awoke early to find Catrinalyiannaeisa (remember her?) sitting on the end of his bed, crying her eyes out.

"Cat!" he exclaimed in surprise, partly at the fact that she was sitting on his bed and partly at the fact that he had remembered her name.

"Where?" she asked looking behind and around her.

Harry rubbed his eyes in confusion and pulled himself up in bed until he was in a sitting position showing off a generous portion of strong seeker-muscled chest (in lieu of Draco, he will do fine: drool…).

"Sorry," she said. "You see I don't really answer to Cat because it's not my real name. My real name is (drum roll) Lily and I am your twin." She started up sobbing again. "Oh, but Catrinalyiannaeisa's my middle name."

"Oh," replied Harry frowning. "Why does that make you sad?"

"Because we have no parents and Ginny's straightener's attacked me when I made my way here from our room," she sobbed. "Oh, but, I have a scar too! It's at the top of my inner thigh though so I can't show you. It's so great to finally have found you Harry!"

"But you've been at the same school as us for the past six years?" Dean asked popping his head around the corner of Harry's bed.

"Didn't you already_ get_ swallowed by a plot hole?" Lily-Cat snapped at him.

Dean hastily popped his head back to where it had originally been.

Harry studied Lily-Cat thoughtfully suddenly recognising her black hair and bottle green eyes were exactly the same as his. How could he not have noticed that before? (How indeed?)

He pulled her into a hug. "I'm so glad not to be an only-child anymore," he sighed.

* * *

Draco and Ginny walked back from detention as far apart from each other as possible, studiously avoiding one another's gazes.

"I got to go this way," Ginny said stopping at an intersection turning off to the left.

"Ginny, wait," Draco whispered hoarsely, catching hold of her arm.

She turned back to look at him, big, innocent eyes looking into his silver-rimmed, cerulean irises. "What, Draco?" she asked tipping her chin up to look at him properly.

"I want you… to stay," he sighed, slipping a muscled arm around her waist and dipping his lips to her.

They fit together perfectly, and the kiss that had started just as a touching of lips grew in passion and electricity until there was no air between their bodies. He dipped his tongue into her mouth possessively and she made way for him but fought back by rolling her hips against his making him gasp.

They clutched at each other like there was nothing else in the world and then…

"Eep!" Ginny exclaimed sitting up in bed suddenly, the remnants of her X-rated dream drifting around her not-so-innocent little airhead. "Holy crap!"

**A/N: I thought the title was quite fitting for the chapter, hehe. Sorry if it's a bit off-the-wall, I've got my first final exam tomorrow and I've been cramming maths all week – I swear my brain has leaked out of my ears! Ah well. Hope you enjoyed it, sorry it took so long.**


	8. In Which There Were Four

Disclaimer: I own nothing; if I did, I wouldn't be writing Fanfiction. Trust me.

In Which There Were Four

Harry was, quite happily, minding his own business. This is something fairly rare in a hormonally charged Fanfiction world, so the reader must take advantage of it while it lasts: which shan't be long, I'm afraid.

He was reading a book. The wizard's version of the Kama sutra in fact. (You got excited then, didn't you? You thought he was actually doing something non-hormonally based. Oh dream on…) (Writer chuckles happily to herself)

A tall boy fairly noisily, and quite rudely, plonked himself down loudly across from Harry at the table.

Harry ignored this interruption because he had just reached one of his favourite pages; one that would make him 'moody' for weeks on end. So the boy cleared his throat. Loudly. Harry continued reading. So the boy began drumming his fingers on the table. Loudly. And Harry cracked.

"Look, can I help you?!" he exclaimed, expertly slipping a bookmark in the page and coveting it away.

"Yes," replied the boy dramatically. "I am here to help you win the war over the dark side; I am the light to show you the way. I have watched you all your life, young Harry Potter!"

"Stalker," Harry muttered. "Who are you anyway?"

"I…" (drum roll) "am Godric Gryffindor, resurrected for but a short time to impart you with the knowledge you need to triumph."

"Alright, alright. But could you make it quick, I, uh, need some time alone," he said furtively.

Godric rolled his eyes. "Firstly, you must beware of the girl who calls herself Theryllusingthesde, for she is –"

"I know! Voldemort's daughter."

"Okay… well you should start getting to know the girl who calls herself Catrinalyiannaeisa – "

"Because she's my sister."

Godric huffed a bit. "Well then, finally you must not fall in love with the girl who calls herself Ginevra because she is – "

"Draco Malfoy's soul mate," Harry finished boredly.

"You don't know that!" thundered Godric in irritation.

"No, but it's blatant really isn't it? Ginny's rarely paired with anyone but me and Draco and since I got lumbered with this Thez chick, I'm guessing Draco gets her. Bastard," the Boy Who Guessed replied, showing a pretty accurate insight into the world of Fanfiction.

"Fine. I'm off, have a nice life," the Heir sulked. "Oh but I s'pose you better have this sword in case you meet Voldymorty or whatever his name is." He handed over the jewel encrusted blade ungraciously before promptly vanishing.

Harry looked at it, shrunk it, put it in his bag, and then continued with a bit of reading…

* * *

Ginny's meeting with Rowena had gone a bit more to plan (Elle got Helga, because Ginny can't have the fat Heir, can she?) and she was all in a flutter when she ran into Draco later that day.

He was draped against the wall in all his manly sexiness (drool…) but Ginny was so preoccupied that she just didn't notice him at first. After all, finding split ends can be horrendously time-consuming.

He cleared his manly, sexy throat and said in manly, deep voice; "Weasley, haven't seen you around for awhile."

Ginny jumped. "Oh Dra-Malfoy, you gave me a fright. You saw me yesterday didn't you? And this morning at breakfast? Oh, and actually just now in advanced potions -"

"Yes, alright," he cut her off quickly. "Anyway, what have you been up to?"

Surprised at his fairly genial tone, Ginny wondered what personality implant the writer had given him this chapter. "Oh, y'know, the usual: got 100 per cent from Professor Snape, knocked three first years out with my boobs and found out that I'm the protégé of Rowena Ravenclaw," she shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm the incarnate of Salazar Slytherin, as it turns out. Would never have guessed though, would you? Always thought I was more of a Hufflepuff kind of person." (Writer gives Draco a quick talking-to for being so sarcastic about her plotline)

Ginny eyed him thoughtfully (although internally, there was still that little bit of her raging to rip all his clothes off. Well actually, that _lot_ of her) "Didn't Rowena and Salazar have a clandestine love affair?"

"Of course," replied Draco. "We're _meant _to be… duh!"

"Well I don't like you," she confirmed stubbornly. "And I do not want to rip all your clothes off and have wild, crazy sex with you right now. So tough cookies Dra-Malfoy." She stomped off.

"Liar," chuckled Draco, admiring the wiggle of her bum as she stormed away. He then thought, questioningly, 'tough cookies'…?

* * *

Elle was sulking. Not only did she have to get the podgy Heir, but also the only thing it seemed she was good at was Herbology.

"Don't worry," Ginny assured her. "You're a Mary-Sue; by the end of the story, Helga Hufflepuff will have been put on a diet and an Open University course in Defence Against the Dark Arts, which is obviously the _coolest_ subject to do." She then pranced off to do some wandless magic on a poor, unsuspecting Hogwarts population.

Elle continued to mope, her hair settling on a particularly ominous shade of black. Just then, Blaise Zambini wandered passed on a search for some kind of plot (he wasn't bothered about what kind, but any kind would do) and caught sight of her morose expression.

"What's the matter my dearest?"

"Dearest?" spluttered Elle. "I haven't said two words to you in my life!"

"Yes, but in my dreams you have…" Blaise looked a little disgusted at his rather sappy repartee.

Elle rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You're Slytherin right? Not bad looking…" she looked him up and down. "You'll do, want to sleep with me?"

"Do you want to marry me?" he countered, looking for all the world as though he was channelling some pre-adolescent fan-girl and was hating every moment of it.

"I'll think about it," she replied. Although if you could see the vast vacuum inside her head where her brain should be, the reader (and Blaise) should seriously disregard this claim.

"Awesome. Bed it is."

* * *

_A/N Yes, yes, I know it's been a while. Went to University you see, but still just loooooving this story!! Anyway, thanks for all the ideas you guys gave me for subsequent chapters, they have all been noted and you may well see them emerging soon… Many thanks for still reading this pile of codswallop! Hehe._


	9. Harry Potter and Problem of the Liplocks

Harry Potter and the Problem of the Liplocks

We shall now screw callously with time, space and history and skip, randomly, to Valentine's Day which in this story falls in November.

Now Ron, who's not very good at Potions and hasn't done a cameo role in a chapter for awhile, had had a detention the night before in the dungeons because he'd accidentally turned up to class when only Ginny and Draco were meant to be there.

He had been told to mix a love potion, because that's all that Snape teaches these days, and, because he's not very good at it, it went mysteriously wrong. N.B. this plot may sound familiar, but it's actually totally completely absolutely different from that other chapter, because this time it doesn't become a gas. Anyway, Ron didn't know it had gone wrong until he'd drunk it (because that's how everyone tests love potions) and Hermione walked in.

Ron grabbed her by the shoulders and planted a kiss directly on her mouth. Hermione was in a state of shock, partially because of the kiss, but mainly because the author had just managed to spell her name right.

"Ron," she gasped pulling away. "I haven't had my makeover yet, you can't possibly like me. I've still got reasonable-sized breasts and a personality!"

"Don't worry!" he exclaimed, because that's the only tone Ron has; "It's not you yet, I just feel like kissing someone and you were conveniently in the right place at the right time!"

He planted another smacker on her lips, just as she pulled away. "You hurt my feelings," she sobbed. However, Snape made his neatly timed entrance just as she was starting to feel a strange urge in her stomach.

Snape only briefly caught the expression of her face and was therefore only momentarily understood the nasty fan-fiction end he may come to. Hermione flew into his arms, plastering a big kiss onto his lips.

"Oh Severus," she cooed. Ron looked ill.

"I don't feel like kissing anyone anymore," he muttered to anyone who would listen.

The Potions teacher peeled her off himself. "Miss Granger. I'm afraid not in this story; if you feel strongly about it, you can take a vacation to the Hermione/Severus shippers section."

With that, he exited the classroom and marched towards the staffroom, his robes billowing behind him… no, the fan-fiction writer just can't seem to find him attractive…

Anyway, Severus was just beginning to notice a strange feeling when Professor McGonagall departed the staffroom. With little warning on either side and a deliciously naughty snicker from our dear author, the two professors were thrown into an impromptu liplock.

After that, the problem of the liplocks spread like wildfire around the school, starting from the next morning - nice and coincidentally on Valentine's Day. This was because Trelawney had tried to kiss Professor Binns which was, what with him being a ghost and everything, a little tricky.

Flitwick was the first teacher to kiss a student and that was because all the other teachers could easily outrun him and, even if he had managed to catch one of them, he wouldn't have been able to reach their mouths.

The liplock lingered in Slytherin house for a good couple of hours midmorning because Millicent Bulstrode had caught it and everyone had run and hid. Eventually, she ambushed a couple of unsuspecting Hufflepuffs, one of whom will now be in intensive emotional therapy counselling for a long time, and kissed them.

When Draco Malfoy had been sought out and kissed by an unimportant individual who, the reader can rest assured, is not half as pretty as Ginny and Draco would never look twice at her, he suddenly became hotter Hogwarts stuff than he was before (yes, there is such a thing…) and girls – even some female teachers – were lining the halls trying to distract him long enough so that he'd kiss them.

Tempted though he was by big breasts and the possibility of extra credit, Draco only had one girl that he wanted to kiss (no prizes for correct guesses) and he was patrolling the halls in search of her. Somehow, he'd managed to develop a good deal of self-control that no one else had, and could fend off the problem until the certain young red-headed siren was in his sights.

He found her in the Great Hall in front of around 200 students and staff, one of whom was her brother. Draco, being Draco, wasn't scared of something as minor as that, however, and seized a seductively startled Ginny, whirled her around and kissed her non-too-innocently in front of everyone.

A number of predictable responses followed; everyone gasped, Ginny somehow managed to look plundered and lustful at the same time, Ron started cracking his knuckles and particular female members of staff on the teachers table sighed disappointedly.

Ginny, recovering her senses looked at Draco in confusion. Didn't he hate her? Author shrugs; she can't remember if he does or doesn't at this point in the story.

But then she started to get a strange feeling in her solar plexus... whereas Draco seemed to have a great deal of self-control, it seemed that Ginny had much less than anyone else; she pulled the first person near her and pushed her lips hard on theirs. This just happened to be Harry who felt that he should make the best of a strange situation and kissed her back.

When they'd pulled apart, Draco was glaring dangerously at the Boy Who Lived (although possibly not for much longer), and he too started cracking his knuckles.

Ginny went from being wandless magic wonder, to helpless damsel in distress as the first fight for her virtue and affections looked like it was about to break out…

_Tune in next time for imminent fisticuffs… thank you for reading! If you have time, feel free to check out my new story, regrettably not a parody, but I'm still having fun with it! Will update soon, hopefully._


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